don't jump to conclusions

I don't know if you guys believe in religion or if there is a God. But I feel that sometimes God speaks to me not in words or enlighten me with sudden insights, but instead reveals himself in the little things I come across everyday.

Just after blogging about how I feel that it's so hard to care for everyone, something happened today, and I feel that it's God's reply to me. I was studying at my favourite spot, the slope, when I notice a man walking up this steep winding road to one of the RPI buildings. He was moving very slowly and was using a walking aid. He was in his fifties I would think, and was obesed. He really looked like he was having a hard time, but i didn't know if I could help, or should help- you know how some people who are handicapped in one way or another feel even more prideful about being independent. But i just couldn't sit there and watch him, something was just urging me to go approach him, to at least ask if i could help in any way. Well, I did and at first he was saying he just need to rest, but I KIND OF insisted and said that I didn't have class today so i could help.

He accepted it and said " well i could use some company". I offered to hold his bag for him to lighten his already heavy "load" and while he continued walking, we started chatting. It brought to my attention that, you need to be gracious to help, but sometimes you might need even more grace to accept help, and he definitely did. He told me that he was suffering from Parkinson's and diabetes, and apparently was one of the professors in RPI. What really touched me was him saying "life is good". I was really amazed at how determined he was (he said it's stubborness), in living life to the fullest, and not letting reality bring him down. As much as I would like to think I am strong, I'm not confident that I can face up to his challenge if I were in his shoes! To walk up this hill for 2 days every week ALONE. It's not only hard, it's dangerous! He could just lose his footing and he'll start rolling down the hill, and it could be fatal!

I helped him with some requests along the way and he asked for my email and number, that he wanted to thank me. i gave him my email and contact not because I'm expecting his repayment, but because I would hope to keep in contact with him. You know there are some strangers you meet in your life through genuinely sincere circumstances and you feel that it's something sacred and special? this is one of them for me, and I really didn't want anything materialistic or superficial to spoil this experience. That 20 mins while walking up the hill with him and chatting, was one of the most sincere moments in my life, where I was just being myself and I didn't felt i was being judged. Yah especially after I blogged about being judged and all...... Maybe God is trying to tell me, you CAN care for people other than those close to you. You CAN reach out to those who need a helping hand, and that it is wonderful!

I think I am the one who should thank this professor for letting me help him, for giving me this opportunity to learn from life. He asked me to go back in 20 mins and I didn't know why. But I think i'll go back to take a look. honestly, i couldn't understand what he was saying 1/4 of the time because he was slurring and I felt really bad to have him repeat himself sometimes.

thinking back, it wasn't very much noble on my part, since I think any of my friends I know in GIP, especially the girls, would have done the same thing. but this experience is just really meaningful to me especially when I was starting to doubt myself.

The semester is ending!

I can't believe, or maybe I don't want to believe, that the semester here at RPI is going to end in 3 weeks time! I'm really trying to live whatever is left of the semester to the fullest.

Even though I'll be here for internship, everyone else will be back in Singapore-it will never be the same without them. No familiar people to go grocery shopping with, to cook with, to eat with, to chat for hours and hours with......Oh no it does sound sad. Well, I've always wanted to live alone in some foreign country to see what it's like to have no one u can really rely on and to learn how to fully depend on yourself. Yet, I can't imagine what it's going ot be like right now, time will tell!

It has really been a fulfilling experience here. This 3 months have taught me so much that I would not have learnt within the comfort zone of Singapore. Living with others have taught me not to judge people too quickly, that there is so much more to what presents itself. I have never so clearly udnerstoof that, not everyone lays everything out and only time will tell who they really are. This i would not have learnt if i hadn't live with total strangers.

The time and space that this semester gave me, really gave me the luxury to pay more attention to myself. Something that I thought I did, but I didn't realize that all the school work and family problems actually made me think of mself only in those contexts. Time here has really taught me that there is more joy and freedom to live than I thought I knew.

I learned, somewhat the hard way, that you simply can't cater to everyone and it's just impossible to care and love everyone the same way. The more people I know, the more I care for them, I sometimes inevitably HAVE to hurt someone. It sucks, but life is apparently so. My life so far has put me through many hurts that really instill in me this phobia to hurt others. Because I know how painful and unfair it is for the one being hurt, I just never want to be the one who inflict such pain on others. Unfortunately, I realized that I sometimes become over-sensitive about the feelings of others, that I may overcompensate and make things worse, ending up being misunderstood instead. In the end I not only hurt others, but also myself. Well, I still don't have a solution to this problem of mine, I can only pray for guidance and just be sincere to the people I care for.

Another relational lesson I've learnt, is that you can't expect everyone to understand and trust you. One BIG problem with me is that when I trust someone and care for them, I unconsciously expects that they too will trust me and totally understand who I am and where I am coming from. But that's only the case in my mind. I just couldn't understand that everyone is unique, some trustworthy, some not, some trusting and others not. I can't expect everyone to be as naive as me, and therefore I can't assume that they know the real me. I guess what I am trying to tell myself is that, people will misunderstand me, they will judge me, through whatever lenses they have and I can't help it. If I simply get affected each time they do, I'll never be happy, and I might as a result stop caring and trusting, even those who care and trust in me. Perhaps, we just do not have to capacity or ability to care for everyone we know, so far it just doesn't seem feasible.

On the bright side, I THINK I've also learn to be less mindful of what people think of me-perhaps from the reflection that I can't stop people from judging me. To just live as though no one is looking and judging, to ignore the presence of others sometimes. Like yesterday, I alone went again to the slope and just lied there under the sun, in my shades, listening to music and ignoring the people who walked past, even a class of people on the other end of the slope. Learning to just take a break from the world like no one else exists. This is something I think I have learnt from the US culture, to just not care about what others think of you sometimes, and to REALLY feel and think so!

Ooops another entry on reflection. But i guess its appropriate since the semester is ending soon. I guess for this blog there will be 2 more chapters- After-semester tour and internship. I'll also be ending this blog after the internship ends until the next time I travel or do my masters. Well I guess it makes the blog more meaningful! Whether I might start blogging about my life in Singapore, hm....maybe!

Another beautiful day

It's just another precious clear blue-skied day......

A good weather is really precious during the seasons of winter and spring, and there seem to be no guaranteed "spring" day! So when the sky is clear and the temperature outside if above 60 farenheit, everyone comes out to PLAY!

It was just too beautiful a day to stay in doors, so i decided to go study on a big grass slope in school. There was no one but me, and another woman. It was a little chilly in the morning at 11am, but whenever the clouds bypass the sun, and the sun's rays touched my skin, it was like moments of summer!

Oh and while i was reading my notes on the hill, there was this guy who rolled down the slope, and I mean all the way down! At first I thought it was a group of daredeveils, but no! He was on his own. Well, I thought, ok, another weird guy. Then he rolled down the slope AGAIN! I looked up the slope to see how the women reacted and she packed up and left! Ok, so do i leave too? I decided to just stay, and he left, so everything was back to normal. So there was I, reading on the hill with the beautiful view of downtown troy, lying down on the grass to take breaks once in a while.....

THEN! When I decided to take a snack break, there he was standing about a metre away from me, and he was waving and saying "hi" at me. I forced out a natural smile, and HIed back.

Rolling guy: "What are you reading?"

Me: Showed him the cover of the book instead of replying, and pretend i was busy reading.

Rolling guy: Oh I have never read that book! Is it for class?

Me: erm yah (and then went back to READING my book)

Rolling guy: Ok, nice day! (and he walked ALL THE WAY to the other side of the grass patch)

My goodness! I have never been approached by such a weird person before. And he's expression when he waved at me almost freaked me out on the spot! Honestly, I feel bad for acting quite cold toward him, but at that moment I just felt that it wouldn't have been too wise to engage him in a cconversation. Well, that's the end of this rolling guy......

I read for a little while longer and decided to go cycling (borrowed Steph's bike). It was the first time I seriously cycled since I came to Troy. I decided to cycle to downtown Troy, which was down the slope form RPI. I really over-estimated my cycling fitness. I went DOWNTOWN in a breeze but struggled coming back UPTOWN!

At a traffic light, a black American guy that looked a little sloppy came up to me and said something like "it's not really save to cycle here, some people just can't "see" the road". Judgeing from his appearance and remembering advice to be wary of black people, I nodded with a tinge of nonchalance yet courtesy to his kind gesture. Then he went on the ask "you ok with crossing the road yourself?" I went like "yah" immediately with quick nods because I was really starting to feel suspicious. But he just walked on and said "just be safe ok!" and ran across the road.

That was when I realized that he really meant no harm, and I simply let my stereotypiccal bias towards black people get the better of me. Well, I definitely have to protect myself and remain caution. But I can't help but think that, this man was really just showing some concern. In fact, I think he sensed my apprehension and decided to run across the road instead of waiting for the traffic light. To know that he even showed consideration toward me when he totally could just "heck it" to what I felt, just made me feel worse. I probably judged him the way many white people have judged him. That he look poor and he's black, so he's dangerous.

Being in the normal crowd in Singapore, makes it really hard to understand how it feels to be discriminated. I feel sad even when people misunderstand my intentions, much less if they misunderstand my character! I just hope that this man, if he really is kind at heart, will not be discouraged by how the world judge him. It's really sad how people get so disappointed with being so misunderstood that they give up on anything good in them. If I could talk ot him, I would probably refer him to a quote in Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie"- "If your culture don't work for you, don't buy it".

It's so easy for us to judge, but it's so painful for the one who is judged. Maybe if we can really differentiate discerning from being judgemental, we can learn to treat each other with more respect.

Another small life lesson!

Thanks to our friend Steph, who told us about a nice spot to watch the sunset, Valerie, Daphne and I ended our day with a beautiful view of the sun setting on the downtown Troy. It was actually at the same slope I was at and the VERY same SPOT! It was beautiful......we even saw the going out of sight behind the Troy buildings.

Woah....School Lockdown

Today I finally experience a school LOCK DOWN!

There are an armed robber who was sighted within RPI premises. As a result, the school sent all students sms telling us not to leave the school building and to lock the doors and windows. When we received the message, Valerie and I were in our basic drawing class. It was quite interesting to see that the local students here were really quite chill about the whole thing. In fact, they started to talk about other such incidents in the past and complained about being confined to the classroom. In the end, the professor and students left the building before the lockdown was lifted.

It was really hard to even worry about the whole incident when eveyrone around seem to chill, so I just spent the extra 90 mins of lockdown on my drawing. While they were discussing, I was just quietly drawing away, occasionally picking up some jokes and giggling at them. Well the time spent on the drawing paid off since i was able to refine my work!

Apparently, lockdowns have happened before due to many different incidents. One was from a shooting near RPI premiseand apparently implicated a drug deal. One of my classmates from Texas mentioned that there was a school lockdown in middle school because a bull run free from a nearby farm! But well, it's texas! So while the discussions went on, there was sirens ringing form outside the class occacionally, and the PA system announcements that could hardly be deciphered from within the classrooms-since they asked us to lock the window. Well, the PA system runs OUTSIDE classrooms, so you see the problem?

In the end, Valerie and I left the building too because we were so hungry and also because we could see that outside the school building, students were already walking around. Haha, so we kind of hecked it. But thank God we're safe and sound!

Reflections

Hey guys!

This is a self-reflection entry. So if you think you will be bored with me talking about my personal growth and reflection of GIP so far, you can skip this entry. Erm...not that you got something to skip to yet.....so...haha you decide whether you wanna read it or not....Cos it's going to be W-O-R-D-Y!!!!

Issey just reminded us that we only have one month left to the end of our school semester here! My goodness, time don't fly....it flashes!

After composing my previous entry, I kind of got in the blogging mood, so I went back to read my 1st entry to remind me what was going through my mind when I promised to blog!

One of them was to update on what been happening, I realize I have been kinda slipshot, just reporting the events. So I feel that I should have an entry about how LIFE has really been so far here.

Right now, I am really comfortable with life here. I enjoy the feeling of waking up in the morning, reading the bible, doing stretches and then my highlight of the morning......breakfast! In fact, it's usually the first thing that come to mind when I wake up, before I open my eyes! I grew a new appreciation for oatmeal, specifically "QUAKER" brand oats. They have many flavours and it turns into a pudding-like mix when you heat it in the oven. Valerie is totally disgusted with me, because she says the oatmeal looks more like vomit than something edible. She doesn't even want to help me wash my bowl if there are oat particles left in it. But don't be mistaken, she can be abit gu niang sometimes, but she never fail to help with the dishes and dinner!

School's been really great! I must have told most of you already, but I will just repeat it for the benefit of those I haven't mentioned to. Seet and Lua, you don't "harnah" me for repeating myself again hor, this time I KNOW I am repeating. Oh yah, back to my story about school here. I really like the modules I took, moral development, philosophy, learning, basic drawing. In fact I like all of them......ok not so much for fundamental music theory. I simply get so lost every class! It's amazing how I can be in a class as feel like I have been skipping the previous classes! It's really great that they emphasize depth instead of scope here.

I remember on my first entry I mentioned that another reason for coming here was really to understand myself better and correct some bad habits. Guess what? Things are not always as ideal as they are hoped to be! One thing's for sure, going away on GIP really gave me a chance to look at myself and who I am. Instead of correcting bad habits, I really got acquainted with my flaws. Haven't really got down to dealing with it, but it has been a eye-opening, jaw-dropping, hair-rustling experience!

Haha no lah, just exaggerating......but one thing I realized is that I can be really inflexible. Not that I don't already know, but I have really come to see that things don't need to always go the way I imagined or planned for it to be. Sometimes imperfection is a beauty in it own way! And more often than not, it is the process that we should all derive joy from, because in the process, we learn to hope and to work towards that hope. Trying to keep everything down to the nitty gritty is not only self-inflicted stress but it has also allowed fear to get to me. The fear of failing, the fear of not meeting this internal standard. Jac, I remember you telling me, it's ok to be weak sometimes, things don't have to be so perfect all the time. I'm really getting to see that......just....beginning. I realized that my fear of failing has in fact held me back from giving my best because I'm to caught up with be afraid. Courage is not given, not found, but pursued! Sometime u really need to just heck it and go for it! And that's really what I have to learn-”heck it, just do it!”

Another big flaw is that, whatever standard I set for myself, I tend to impose it on the people around me, especially when we are living together. This has caused me to face a lot of disappointment and unnecessary resentment! In the end, it all boils down to my inflexibility......people all have flaws and we are constantly learning, I can't expect people to know what's on my mind and what I prefer or not! Sometimes I have too much expectation of how people should do things that I realize I tend to jump into judging people. Who am I to judge when I am only another human that is flaw-stricken?! More often than not, after jumping into conclusions about a person's personality, I always realize how wrong I was. Then, the guilt comes in......So room number 2 for change.

Hm...for now that's all I can think of. Actually it's cos I'm feeling sleepy already-it's 1030 here and it has been a long day......I'll definitely continue with my self-reflection and you can look into the mirror with me! Get it? Reflection......mirror? (Not bad, so sleepy still can crack a joke!)

Till next time folks!

Success in life consists of going from one mistake to the next without losing your enthusiasm.

~Winston Churchill