The semester is ending!

I can't believe, or maybe I don't want to believe, that the semester here at RPI is going to end in 3 weeks time! I'm really trying to live whatever is left of the semester to the fullest.

Even though I'll be here for internship, everyone else will be back in Singapore-it will never be the same without them. No familiar people to go grocery shopping with, to cook with, to eat with, to chat for hours and hours with......Oh no it does sound sad. Well, I've always wanted to live alone in some foreign country to see what it's like to have no one u can really rely on and to learn how to fully depend on yourself. Yet, I can't imagine what it's going ot be like right now, time will tell!

It has really been a fulfilling experience here. This 3 months have taught me so much that I would not have learnt within the comfort zone of Singapore. Living with others have taught me not to judge people too quickly, that there is so much more to what presents itself. I have never so clearly udnerstoof that, not everyone lays everything out and only time will tell who they really are. This i would not have learnt if i hadn't live with total strangers.

The time and space that this semester gave me, really gave me the luxury to pay more attention to myself. Something that I thought I did, but I didn't realize that all the school work and family problems actually made me think of mself only in those contexts. Time here has really taught me that there is more joy and freedom to live than I thought I knew.

I learned, somewhat the hard way, that you simply can't cater to everyone and it's just impossible to care and love everyone the same way. The more people I know, the more I care for them, I sometimes inevitably HAVE to hurt someone. It sucks, but life is apparently so. My life so far has put me through many hurts that really instill in me this phobia to hurt others. Because I know how painful and unfair it is for the one being hurt, I just never want to be the one who inflict such pain on others. Unfortunately, I realized that I sometimes become over-sensitive about the feelings of others, that I may overcompensate and make things worse, ending up being misunderstood instead. In the end I not only hurt others, but also myself. Well, I still don't have a solution to this problem of mine, I can only pray for guidance and just be sincere to the people I care for.

Another relational lesson I've learnt, is that you can't expect everyone to understand and trust you. One BIG problem with me is that when I trust someone and care for them, I unconsciously expects that they too will trust me and totally understand who I am and where I am coming from. But that's only the case in my mind. I just couldn't understand that everyone is unique, some trustworthy, some not, some trusting and others not. I can't expect everyone to be as naive as me, and therefore I can't assume that they know the real me. I guess what I am trying to tell myself is that, people will misunderstand me, they will judge me, through whatever lenses they have and I can't help it. If I simply get affected each time they do, I'll never be happy, and I might as a result stop caring and trusting, even those who care and trust in me. Perhaps, we just do not have to capacity or ability to care for everyone we know, so far it just doesn't seem feasible.

On the bright side, I THINK I've also learn to be less mindful of what people think of me-perhaps from the reflection that I can't stop people from judging me. To just live as though no one is looking and judging, to ignore the presence of others sometimes. Like yesterday, I alone went again to the slope and just lied there under the sun, in my shades, listening to music and ignoring the people who walked past, even a class of people on the other end of the slope. Learning to just take a break from the world like no one else exists. This is something I think I have learnt from the US culture, to just not care about what others think of you sometimes, and to REALLY feel and think so!

Ooops another entry on reflection. But i guess its appropriate since the semester is ending soon. I guess for this blog there will be 2 more chapters- After-semester tour and internship. I'll also be ending this blog after the internship ends until the next time I travel or do my masters. Well I guess it makes the blog more meaningful! Whether I might start blogging about my life in Singapore, hm....maybe!